To a Lack of Resolutions

I don’t believe in New Year’s Resolutions. The last time I gave myself one of these stipulations I ended up with a 12 string acoustic guitar purchased off of ebay, a set of Esteban training CD’s and two and half years of collecting dust in my living room. I finally moved those stationary pieces of Art into the closet a few months ago. My tone deaf ear never allowed me to even tune the damn thing.

Upon realizing what I actually should be learning on was a 6 string, I promptly took off half the strings, and vowed to never make another New Year’s Resolution again. I suppose that in and of itself was a resolution too. Damn it, I fail.

Therefore, no more resolutions this year. But there are a few things I would like to get done. And while every other fucking commercial on tv is trying to tell me that this is the year that I’m going to quit smoking, I kindly remind them that more than likely this is also the year that I’ll be planning a wedding, so, shove it, the best way to avoid a bridezilla is to NOT quit smoking yet.*

The first thing I would really like to delve into this year is Grunge Geek Design. This is the year that all the blogosphere will know my name and my work and come arunnin' when design work is needed. So, if you want to be on the cutting edge, and the that super cool person who is an Early Adopter, contact me now.

Secondly, I have plans for a third blog. What is that you say, you didn’t even know that I have a second blog? Yeah, I don’t blame you. It kind of went super dormant for almost three years, but I’ve recently decided to get Men Wearing Eyeliner back on track. RSS it, because who doesn’t love a hot boy in guyliner? Details on the third blog are still in secret stealth mode. I’ll let the cat out of the bag as soon as I can.

And thirdly, I want to write the story of Oregon. It won’t be here, on this blog, because it deserves more than that and simply, it is a long story. I don’t want to be like every other blogger out there and say that I want to be a published author, because that’s not the goal. The goal is to educate I guess and to put the trying time in my life down on paper.

So look forward to big things coming in 2009. I hope you can avoid the resolutions this year as well yet still be productive. Let’s raise a glass and cheers to 2009!

*Commentors, please don’t harp on me. The best way to make me keep smoking is to tell me I should stop.





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Happy Birthday

Happy birthday to The Teacher. I'm looking forward to spending about sixty more birthdays with you.




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The Christmas Spirit

I can't believe it has taken me this long, but I've finally realized what is so stressful about the holidays. It isn't the crowds or the frenzy. It isn't trying to find the perfect gift. Forget the cocktail hours and get-togethers. Finding hostess gifts and baking cookies is nothing. Picking just the right tree and getting it into the stand at 90 degrees is nothing. The true stress of the season is the celebratory scheduling.

Figuring out where the Teacher and I were spending Thanksgiving was a simple fete. We are going to do dinner with his family, then off to my sister's for pie.

When it came time to start figuring out Christmas I expected the same ease. Alas, I was sadly mistaken. It took us months to finalize our plans and it included a lot of juggling, compromise and stress. But in the end it all worked out.

Christmas Eve day we started at his parents house and then exactly an hour at his uncle's house before we hit the road for 45 minutes to get to my parent's house to greet my sister's family for the first round of present opening.

The next morning we stopped back to my parent's house to be fed a hearty Christmas Morning breakfast then back up the road to The Teacher's parent's house again for Presents Version 2.0.

It ended up to be a lot of running around, but it allowed us to see all of our family and enjoy time with them all, which as an agnostic, isn't that really the point. And since there was plenty of red wine flowing at all locations, I had plenty of the "Christmas Spirit."




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Happy Holidays!

Well here we are boys and girls, it is officially Christmas. At least it is for those of us who grew up 100% German (all four of my grandparents were off the boat German) and get to celebrate Christmas on Christmas Eve.

As the presents are all wrapped and Olivia is guarding them (they are all in that bag, I promise,)

and the holiday greetings have been sent,

I’d like to share a short story about a bit of Grinch-dom:

One of my co-workers is a total tool. He is often grouchy and obnoxious and while in his 30’s continues to use the word “titties” at least twice a day. While I do attempt to avoid all social contact with him, I am still a fair co-worker so I picked up a $15 Starbucks gift card for him as that is what I was getting everyone else.

Douche Bag: "Can I give this back to you as your present?"

Dutchess of Kickball: "um..no"

DB: "Thanks, but I really don't drink Starbucks"

DoK: "..."

DB: "So you can just have it back"

DoK: "um...no"

DB: "ok, I'll just regift it to someone else"

Dok: "You’re an asshole, don't look a gift horse in the mouth"

DB: "I'm not into horses, remember?"

DoK: "You don't have to be into horses, you've never heard that saying?"

DB: "no, I'm not into horses"

DoK: "It has nothing to do with horses, jeesus, you’re just an asshole, it's...oh, nevermind..."

DB: "ok, I'll just regift it"

DoK: “…”

And so, on this Christmas Eve, I wish you have a lovely, idiot-free holiday, and even if you don't like your gifts, you grin and bear like a real adult!



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Live Action Thundercats

I can't wait.



Damnit!





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Chicago VS Las Vegas

Let's say you have two opportunities this year to go on fun trips, but you can only take one. What do you choose? Wait, don't get too excited, let me explain them first.

First there is Chicago where I can meet up with all the wonderful 20 Something Bloggers. Merriment will be had in unknown ways but I'm sure will be drunktastic and blogworthy since it will be a huge blogger meetup and all.

Then there is Vegas! The Kickball Founders Cup is taking place in Las Vegas again this year. This too will be a drunktastic and blogworthy experience because really, no one parties like kickballers do.

And so I ask of you: If you had just enough spare change under the couch cushions to travel to one local this year, but you had to possibilities for great weekends, which would you choose?






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A Wishlist for my Senses

Over at 20 Something Bloggers they do a Blog Carnival every month. I've never actually participated because rarely do I have a lack of something to say. But upon request, here is my wishlist of 5 items, one for each sense (that's an item for sight, one for smell, etc.)

Taste:
I love red wine, but I really know nothing about it. For Taste, I would love to take some kind of a wine tasting class. While of course, red wine to me, is a stress reliever, and a source of the drunk drunk, but it is also really tasty. What would be better than actually appreciating the thing that brings me so much pleasure?

Touch:
Touch is a tuffy. While my first instinct would be fur, because it's soft and cuddly, but I'm kind of 100% against fur and all. So fur is out. Fleece is warm and cuddly too, but really, I can just pick up some fleece anytime I want. So what feels amazing?

Soft puppies? Cool granite with under-floor heating? A five o'clock shadow?

But I think I wish for a warm down pour. I love just standing out in the rain, feeling the world fall down on you. But warm please! Thanks.

Sound:
One of the best sounds to me is the noise of my neices and nephew.  With three kids under the age of 5, my sister's house is often a rucus and full of concophonous noise, and no matter how much they kind of drive me crazy, I love that noise more than anything else.

Therefore, my wishlist for sound is to take the kidlets to see The Tale of Despeareaux and hear their giggles and reactions.

Sight:
Sight is a hard one, simply because, as a graphic designer, my life is so sight based. But I did find these illustrations on Etsy and I just adore them.

 

But it is so hard for me to choose the 3 I would want. Of course, the crow (not pictured here) and probably the fireflies as well. But for the third so I go with the mink? The opposum? Skunk? How about you choose for me? I won't be too picky. The John W. Golden prints are adorable, and really would go well in all of my rooms.

Smell:
I have a terrible sense of smell. Always have. I was going to say that I would want anything from the Moonlight Path collection from Bath and Body Works, but really, better yet, I think I would just like the sense of smell. Please replace these terrible smell receptors I have up my nose with some that actually work. K, thanks!





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I Have On My Cranky Pants

I've been very cranky lately. Boys, I promise, this has very little do with my cycle (I think) but with a few minor instances, I have become a roaring, crying psychobitch. And typical situations are driving me over the edge, forcing me to crumple into a sobbing mess as I walk into the door at the end of the day. And so today, I bring to you, The List of Minor Things That Are Pushing Me Over the Edge (in no particular order.)

• 30 minute turn around times.
  While I appreciate you thinking that I am Ah-Mazing and all, but no, I can not finish your project and get it done in the same day. If you were the only person I supported at my job, sure I probably can, but alas, you and the 400+ other people who are asking me for one day turnaround can just get in line. I'll get to it when I get to it. What? You didn't plan ahead and ask for your project in time? SHOCKING! And yet, not my problem. Please go ahead and bite me. 
  And this is exactly why I love freelance. My freelance clients really are the cat's pajamas. No one expects it to get done immediately.
  
  
• Wreaths on cars.
  Look, the grill of your car is not the same as your front door. (Unless you live in your car, and you enter through the hood, then it's ok I suppose.) So why would you think that it's cool to put a wreath on your car? It's dumb. And it gets dirty in about 4.6 seconds, making it look even more stupid. And do not even get me started on the antlers and Rudolph nose.
  
• The Personal Trainer Cooking for Nintendo DS commercial.
  Look, Lisa Kudrow. I love you. People tell me I look like you all the time, so even if I didn't love you, I guess I sort of would have to. You are an extremely talented actress, you went to Vassar for christs-sake. But when you announce "Look, I'm not even cutting my fingers" you sound like one of those cheezetastic people that demonstrate "As Seen On TV" products at the county fair.
  
  
• People who drive their kids to the bus stop.
  If you want to drive them in the rain, or if you are scared of pedophiles or something, that's cool. I understand if it's a safety thing or something. But there should be strict rules involved in this. When you see the bus coming, kick your kids out of the car, make them start walking towards the bus! When the bus actually stops, the kids should be there, ready to walk through the opening door. Do NOT make me sit there, while your kids gather their backpacks, kiss you good bye, fall out of the fucking minivan, and then saunter over to the bus. Hello? The world does not revolve around you. Just because you need to go back to your house and vacuum the same square inch of carpeting for the ten thousanth time, some of us have to go to work.
  
  
• Irresponsible people.
  If you volunteer for something, let's say a position on a board, you are taking on a responsibility. Don't shirk your duties after two weeks. If you are an adult, grow the fuck up and be an adult. And more than likely, it's only a three month responsibility at the most. Do your job, be coordinated and responsible and get over it.
  
  
• Bad Blinker Behavior.
  Using your directional allows other people to know what the hell you are doing. Are you breaking for no good reason? Oh look, you are turning. Turn your blinker on before you start breaking. And on the other hand, don't turn it on too early, becaues then you are just a douche bag.

What is pissing you off today?




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It's Tougher Where There Ain't None

Last week when I got my Christmas Bonus I was a little disappointed, but only because it was white wine instead of red. Red kicks ass, white isn't inedible, it is wine after all. But I'm an industrious little beaver and come up with a few ways to make white wine much more drunkalicious.

• Make sure the white wine is ice cold. I know it is totally against all real red wine thinking, but white really is better when it is cold.  Ice helps too. (I might have learned this by watching my future MIL)
  
• The best way to make it more tolerable is to add a bit of juice, I prefer cran-raspberry, but there are the occasions where the only thing in the house is Coke, and that just won't do.
• Add frozen daquiri mix. This makes for a rather tasty, yet often chunky concoction. I'm not a fan of bits in my beverages though (pulp free orange juice please) so the floaters in my wine made me not so happy. Straining is always an option, but too much work for wine really.
• A dash of Peach Schnapps is pretty tasty, kind of like a much lighter Fuzzy Navel, and makes for a third use for the schnapps (after sangria)
• And when all else fails, just chug it.
  

For those who do prefer the white over the red, and find themselves with an extra bottle (which can be the case this time of the year as people stop over and bring hostess gifts etc.) I do have a few options for you as well. Of course, I have no idea why you wouldn't like red, but just in case:

• Cook with it. Not that I know anything about cooking, or meat, but rumor has it you can marinate with it. I'm sure you could whip up some tasty veggies this way too. Oh, brainstorm, maybe even make some kick ass rice? I don't know though, don't hold me accountable if that one turns out terribly.
• Hold onto it until the first hot day, mix it with orange juice, peach schnapps, and some cut fruit for sangria. Sit around a picnic table and enjoy!
• Mix with some seltzer and enjoy as a sparkler on New Years Eve.

And if all else fails, regift it!



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Crown of Fleece

I'm in the middle of a very large craft project for The Teacher. It wouldn't have been so insane except I got a little out of control and in fact, made the item at least twice the size it could have been. And now, I am in a serious shortage of supplies.

I would just run out to the store and pick up more supplies, but alas, it's not that easy. This project, well, it's a blanket made out of Crown Royal bags, in fact I started with the 10 + years of collecting that The Teacher has done. And to go get more supplies would mean dropping loads of dough at the liquor store. I'm pretty sure they would call the police on me if I tried to buy that many bottles of whiskey.

And that is where you come in. Do you happen to have any Crown Royal bags floating around your house, just sitting there, taking up space? Of course you do? Do you want to be my bestest friend ever? Email me at schneckester@gmail.com and I'll give me your address? Please, please, please? The Teacher begs you, too. And you don't really want to make a grown man beg, do you?




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Harry Potter is Hott, But...

I’m crazy busy today at work, but I wanted to get this post in as soon as possible, because I know you are all waiting on the edge of your seat for all the nitty gritty details about my trip into the city to see Equus. Ok, maybe it’s just Ben, but still…

I attempted to write something witty, and well, it’s just not really coming out too well. So I’ll just say it: Daniel Radcliffe has a teeny weeny. And I know that for a fact because we were in fourth row seats.

I do believe The Teacher’s exact response was "Well...he might make more money than I'll ever see in my lifetime...but I'll always have a bigger schlong than him."

But all in all the show was amazing. I highly recommend going to see it if you ever have the opportunity. And feel free to go with the cheap seats, the theater is tiny. Although, if you sit too far back, you might not be able to see the nakedness of the Potter, it is that small.




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Um...Thanks?

The other day, Merlot the Cat, brought me my first present ever. I was kind of proud and felt loved that she had enough of a connection with me that she felt the need to bring me a dead salamander, minus a tail. As an indoor cat, Merlot must have gone to great lengths to find, kill, butcher and hand deliver this salamander to me.

As I was disposing of the corpse I came across the dismembered tail on the kitchen floor. And the only reason I actually saw it was because the fucker was still moving!

Please excuse the poor quality. By the time that I realized my camera batteries were dead and the only way to document this phenomenon was with my phone, most of the involuntary movement was done, but you’ll get the gist…


Salamander Tail from Dutchess of Kickball on Vimeo.

And in other news, The Teacher and I are off to see Naked Harry Potter tomorrow. Stay tuned next week for the details (you know you want them.)




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The Christmas Bonus

Last night I sat down and drank my Christmas bonus. No no, I'm not that much of a lush, I didn't cash a check and go straight to the liquor store (not that I wouldn't, but this time I didn't.) My Christmas bonus was actually a bottle of wine. In the industry I work in, it's appropriate. I sipped at the bottle of white and I thought of an old story about Christmas bonuses.

Three Christmases ago, my first, at my previous job I had kicked some serious ass and single handedly increased sales by 300% as Director of E-Commerce and Marketing. And yes, I'm not being a douchy boss by not giving credit where credit is due, I had no employees. I ran the entire website and all store marketing BY MYSELF. (I'll pat my self on the back, thank you very much) So, because I kicked so much ass and revitalized the website from one step above Geocities to some modern day biznatch, I was awarded with not one, but a two paycheck bonus.

Ca-ching!

The next Christmas rolled around and I was equally as successful and I continued to be amazing. December days ticked by. As it was getting dangerously close to the holiday, and no bonus checks had been distributed I cornered the part-time accountant to see if she had been asked to cut checks. No luck.

On the last possible day, my bosses handed all the managers a box at a meeting. I figured there was something nice in the box, maybe a scarf, or leather gloves, with a check on top.

I waited until the meeting was over and back in my office to open the box. I think I immediately started to cry. Instead of a nice, fat check staring back at me I found brownies.They might have been designer, luxury, gourmet insanely fudgy and pepperminty brownies, but unless there was an ingot of gold baked into them, no brownies are worth a double paycheck bonus. Alas, I didn't break my tooth.

By the next Christmas my bosses had sold the company and I got the official "peace out." I suppose that is the only thing worse than the brownies.





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Your Knowledge For The Day

 

Did you know that Sam's Club sells breathalyzers? And that they can be a ton of fun? You learn something new every day, don't you?

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Christmas, for A Discriminating Palate

All kids like Christmas right? Ok, maybe not the kids who celebrate Kwannza, because really their holiday is totally over shadowed, but all Christian kids like Christmas. What’s not to like, there are presents, of course, but cookies and candy canes and fun songs about things that have absolutely nothing to do with Christmas, too. And most importantly, there are television specials about magical snow men and elves with have an unnatural love for dentistry.

As a child I was enamored with the classics, the scenes from Santa Claus is Coming to Town, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer and Frosty the Snowman specifically. I was always excited to sit down with my dad and catch the yearly showing.

When I became a little older and my tastes became more refined I was introduced to The Year Without A Santa Claus, and the two best holiday related characters ever, The Heater Miser and The Snow Miser. These two are far superior to any Abomindable Snowman, Cindy Lou Who, or Dancing California Raisin.



For a full listing of all the amazing shows from over the years, check out Watch 101 Classic Christmas Videos Online from Fanpop.

And of course, if you were ever curious about what happened to your favorite character after the camera stopped rolling, you can catch up with them at Where Are They Now.




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Please Don't Look Down on Me

As you guys know, I really don’t hold back on this blog. There are many things I share, basically I have no pride. I told you that I am indeed 30. I told you about my insane Smurfs knowledge. I told you about my Sarah Palin pants. But there are a couple of things that shame me so much I haven’t shared with you.

I have to get this off my chest. And I know when I blurt it out you guys are going to be all like “What???” and “You can not be serious” and “Egads” but I have to make a confession.

[deep breath]

I have never, in my entire life, eaten a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Ok, I feel so much better.

Yeah, it’s true, never. For some reason when I was a kid my mom was all up on sending me to school with bologna or ham and cheese sandwiches, and the occasional macaroni and cheese in a thermos, but never once was there peanut butter and jelly in my My Little Pony lunchbox.

I was in college by the time I realized that it was weird that this was something I had never ingested. And at that age, it seemed like a concoction that I had no desire to eat.

So here I am at 30 and 99.72% of the time my life goes on as a normal non-peanut-butter-and-jelly-eating life should. Until something happens, like Trigg telling me she added a Peanut Butter and Jelly Bagel Knife to her wedding registry, and I am reminded that this non-peanut-butter-and-jelly-eating life is in fact abnormal all on it’s own.

Maybe if someone sends me this Peanut Butter and Jelly Spreader for Christmas I could be tempted to change my fate. MAYBE. I’m making no promises.

Cuisipro Peanut Butter and Jelly Spreader

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Coffee Mug Behavior

My coffee mug at work is black, and that is great for hiding the stains that coffee inevitably leaves behind. But it's also bad, because it hides the stains, making me never ever think about how gross my coffee mug becomes. In fact, this mug has sat on my desk for over year now, without ever seeing a drop of soap.

And my water bottle? It never sits still. I am constantly drinking from it (isn't that a sign of diabetes?) but just now, look at it over there, I think there is dust on it.

My office has no kitchen. Nothing but a bathroom sink, and it certainly doesn't have a sponge. I have seen plenty of ladies go in there and rinse out their mugs, but nary a one has cracked out the soap.

Gross right? Well, don't we all live our office lives this way?



I do believe I will have some dish pan hands when I'm done dealing with this mug. Maybe I'll just send it to the landfill and start over, there may be no hope.





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No Longer Single

My boss has been out sick for the past two days, and it’s been great because I have turned up my speakers and seriously rocked out to Breaking Benjamin and Paramore and all sorts of other loud, heavy alternative rock. But alas, she has returned.

And today I am paying the karma bill for her two days of silence as she returns all of her missed calls…loudly!

I tried to block out the first call by reading blogs, since focusing on real work was out of the question.

The second call found me listing to Simon & Garfunkle through the ipod with only the right ear bud in. (That way I can still hear when people come in the office.)

The third call was full on Veruca Salt, both ears in, no waiting.

I’ve now lost count of the calls since I can hear nothing but Papa Roach, really loud Papa Roach.

If you try to reach me today and I don’t respond, don’t worry, it’s just a little tinnitus.

And just on a side note: the word tinnitus always reminds me of the movie Singles. You know the part when they leave the club and are hanging out at a magazine stand chatting, but way to loud and the magazine guy yells at them. And they say something along the lines of “sorry, tinnitus, club ear” and then they run into Kyra Sedgewick? That part! I need to go home and watch that movie. Favoritest movie of all time. That was a good story, wasn’t it?




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A Murder of One

In a once-in-a-lifetime event, all my coworkers either took the day off, or came in and realized they were super sick. Coincidence, or conspiracy? Either way, I am here, in the office all by myself, which leaves me the rare occasion to crank my music up without headphones. I get to rock out, and still know when people are creeping up behind me. (Any one want to get me a monitor rear view mirror for christmas?)

As soon as the office cleared out I logged into Pandora, looking forward to a Linkin Park inspired channel, but instead opted for the Counting Crows channel. I always forget how madly in love with the Counting Crows I am.

I've seen Counting Crows three times in concert, once with John Mayer, once with Live and Collective Soul and once with Sarah Barrelis. Each time, they have knocked the other bands out of the water. And not just because they are amazing musicions, but because their lyrics have amazing depth. For a white, Jewish guy with dreadlocks, Adam Duritz has some serious soul coming from his voice.

In spring of 2008, Adam Duritz spoke out about his mental illness and lifelong depression, and that really solidifies why I am so attracted to him and his music. His music is very easily the best representation of how I have felt for most of my life, struggling with things I could never verbalize myself. The melancholy tones of "Long December" and confusion of "Omaha."

So, as I sit here, and listen deeper and deeper into the tone of the Counting Crows-like songs from Augustana, Oasis and more I'm feeling introspective, and just a little blue. If this goes on much longer I might have to switch over to Linkin Park after all to kick myself back into high gear. Things to do you know, I'm not going to get to bed Adam Duritz my just sitting here swooning. Back to work!




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You Lost Him At Hello

When I was asked to review a new dating theory book I was a little skeptical. I am very much against "The Rules" and "He's Just Not Into You" made me feel like such a tool for allowing myself to be taken advantage of. But I said, hey, why not?

And I was rather pleased to be proven wrong with "You Lost Him at Hello." Jess McCann is a professional sales rep. She has taken a look at relationships and the way that most women date and broke it down into sales behavior. A sales person wouldn't hit up clients without some coaching, so why should a dater?

Using examples from her own and her friend’s dating lives, McCann describes some of the most common “mistakes” that women make in relationships, from being too needy and clingy to not leaving a date at the proper time. McCann believes that these, plus many more attributes, can be solved by not dating, but selling yourself instead.

The concepts in the book made sense from a psychological point of view. In one situation she described a woman who walked into a crowded room, made eye contact with men and smiled a lot. This woman got the most attention, and was approached by many men. As with many of the examples in the book, the key feature to grasp is confidence. If you are confident, and exude confidence, the mens, they will be attracted.

Even if the “selling yourself” concept is something that would not allow myself to be who I actually am, the book as a whole was pretty interesting as a psychological study. The dating style she describes probably does work for some women, and there really are some great tips in there (you won’t meet anyone, if you don’t go out and try) but I thought it was intriguing for something it wasn’t necessarily meant to be, an in depth view into how men and women think differently, and therefore date differently.

Ultimately, dating is hard. You can wind up dating, 10, 20, hell even 200 men before finding “the one” if he ever shows up. So why not find a little help along the way?

Leave a comment here for your chance to win a copy of “You Lost Him at Hello.” I’ll pick a random winner on Friday, December 5, 2008.







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