When My Friends Are In Low Places

Before this blog becomes All Knee News All The Time I decided to switch it up a bit. And so, for Ben, who is feeling Blogustrated I give you this link.

Yes, I give you a link because the stupid thing might be entertaining but it hasn't joined modern times and allowed for embedding.

Stay tuned as we get back to All the Knee News That is Fit to Print. Here is a little teaser: SURGERY!

Goatee Saver

Just in case you ever wanted to look a tad like Hannibal Lector and have a perfectly shaped goatee, there is a new product out there, the Goatee Saver.

Basically, this thing is a template. You can extend the sides so that it fits your own goatee perfectly and then you hold it in place by biting it. You bite down on this thing like a freaking pacifier and go ahead and shave to your heart's content.

I know you really really want to buy this thing so go ahead and do it at http://www.goateesaver.com/
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By no means have I been paid for this advertisement. I had to share because of the pure insanity of this.

Hills and Porcupines and Bears, Oh My!

The Teacher has been trying to get me to go hiking with him all winter/ spring long. It's that I don't want to go with him, but there was always some reason that the day wasn't ideal for me. Whether it was too cold or I was too busy I just hadn't made it out on the trail with him as of yet.

But this past weekend I finally gave in.

What started out as a nice innocent walk in the woods turned into this outing of adventure that I wasn't sure I had signed up for. When plans were all said and done we were going hiking up a mountain in the dark. IN THE DARK.

I spent about seven years living in a hippy mountain town so the mountain hiking wasn't an issue. Or so I thought. All of my mountain hiking of course included some elevation change, but generally you hiked along the ridge line. What I was expecting and what I encountoured were incredibly different.

The assent to the top started innocently enough. But within a quarter mile I was stripping off my layers and sweating under my headlamp. I soon made the first of about ten thousand stops. And soon I was becoming emotional as I held up the rest of the group. And this was mostly a group of people I had never met before. Each time I begged The Teacher to let them go on ahead and we would catch up, but he refused, saying it wasn't safe to do that.

Not safe you ask? Yes, something else I hadn't signed up for.

Finally we made it to the top. My heart pounding from the exertion and now the fear of "what is out there?" The group stopped to investigate some old buildings. Sorry, I've seen enough Ghost Hunters to know that you don't go in there in the dark.

Two of us girls were left outside. Outside, where there are wild animals, yet inside where there are ghosts.

When we were just heading back down I heard something shuffling in the woods. It was a porcupine. A freaking porcupine! I've never seen on in real life before, but of all things I was scared to run across that night, that wasn't one of them. It didn't care that we were there and we just hustled to get out of it's path.

Another mile of so down the road I felt The Teacher's hand tense in my own. He scanned the woods around us and picked up his pace. I refused to ask him what it was, kept on walking, watching for knee twisting rocks in my path and focused on the security and comfort of my car.

Lets recap... What did I learn from this "hiking" extravaganza?

1. What The Teacher considers hiking is what I consider mountaineering.
2. Porcupines really aren't scary and I wouldn't mind coming across one in the woods again
3. The threat of bear in the woods IS scary
4. The view of our little corner of New York is gorgious on a mild night in April
5. I think I'll spend this coming weekend gardening, the red ants in my flower bed are more my speed of excitement
   

This is Why The US Is FAT

Wow, if there was ever an experiment about consistency in posting and the loss of readers, this blog would be it. Hey, yesterday's post was funny. I tried to ride a tricyle and I was punished by rebusting my knee. Come on, how can you not love the irony?

But alas, only 4 people seemed to care. But you better get your commenting fingers ready, because I have found the scariest product available on the webernetz today. No, it's not the Peekaru, or the Sealbaby. It is the motorized Ice Cream Cone.

I'll give it a minute to let that seep in.

We, as a nation, have become so fucking lazy we can't even lick anymore? We need a motor to do the fucking licking for us? I am disgusted by this.

And the worst part, check out this video. (sorry, stupid thing won't embed) It is super creepy. I am scared to death for this poor little girl. What kid of creepy pedophilia is going on after the video goes dark?

What other rudiculous products are out there just waiting to turn the next generation into fatties?

I'm Not Sure Who Is In Charge Here

I don't know who is in charge of the world. Is it a god entity? Is it mother nature or karma or the tooth fairy? No idea. But I do know that whom or whatever it is that makes things happen is a huge bitch.

Things were going pretty well with my knee lately. I've had no pain at all and physical therapy is actually causing me to slim down a little bit. I even went to the first pickup game of Kickball and made it third base. Hey, that's a big deal for me. I wasn't even going to play!

When I told my physical therapist that I wasn't sure if I was going to play he told me, in no uncertain terms, that he would kick my ass if I didn't play. I think the PT thinks I'm a bit crazy. But that is neither here nor there.

So I played, did well and was feeling pretty confident...

...until Sunday.

It was a beautiful day and the sunshine brought us outside and we stopped at my sister's house between errands to hang out with my Peanuts, whom I haven't seen in weeks. Big things happen in the lives of 5, 3 and 2 year olds in a matter of weeks. Sure enough, Bug has learned to ride a two wheeler bike, Bee is pumping by herself on the swings and Hen is practically speaking in full sentences.

As the kids were running amok in the front yard I decided it was time to play and I swung my leg over the two seater tricycle to tool around the driveway. If you sit in the backseat an adult can easily peddle. I hadn't even sat down before my knee twisted and whatever Powers That Be punished me in advance for being a fool.

Ah, lies make baby Jesus cry.

The Teacher: Why is the Holy Bible in the cabinet with your baking supplies?

Me: I tend to have to call on the baby Jesus when I bake.

Ah, lies make baby Jesus cry.